When someone says the the word "networking,” what's the first thing that comes to mind?
I ask this question all the time and hear the same answers:
I don't know anyone
I don't have time
I feel awkward about it
I polled my followers on LinkedIn to see if they had the same response:
Networking is important, but most people don’t do it for the reasons above.
Of course, this is not a scientific or statistically significant result. It doesn't represent a sample of the general population, so we can't say these are all the reasons people don't network.
It does tell me something about how people think about networking and why people don't network.
Why is networking important?
From John Donne’s No Man Is An Island Poem - with a slight add for the 21st century.
I don't know anyone who says networking is a waste of time.
Even if a person is an introvert or individualist, most of us have experienced someone else helping us. We understand other people’s experiences or networks can help us in our careers or businesses.
We need other people in our lives. We get information from other people about the world. We are more likely to trust the information that comes from people we know.
Trust is created as people develop relationships. In order to develop new relationships, people need to spend time getting to know each other and determining how they can provide each other with value.
But as you can see from my poll, a lot of people think networking is awkward.
It's not that they don't want to network or that they don't see the value of networking.
The problem is people have been taught to network in a way that feels awkward.
If you search for "How to network" you'll get a bunch of results about:
How to network on LinkedIn
How to write introductory emails or messages
How to create elevator pitches
How to make small talk
How to follow-up after a networking event.
Most of these articles will tell you to practice in order to get past the awkwardness.
You have to suck it up and do it.
People don't do things they don't want to do.
The conventional advice for networking causes a lot of people to feel awkward and avoid networking.
When I work with people to help them grow their networks, I often hear them tell me they don’t like to network because they hate asking for help from other people. They feel like they’re taking advantage of other people or inconveniencing them.
In many cases, when people are networking, they’re asking someone to help them find a new job. They envision themselves asking people in their network to give their resume to someone or to introduce them to the person who is making the final hiring decision.
They’re hesitant to ask for help because they put themselves in the other person’s shoes and know if someone was asking for their help, they would feel uncomfortable, even burdened by the ask.
When someone asks us to do something for them, it can often feel like we’re doing all the work. We resent being asked to do one more thing. We feel taken advantage of. We find excuses not to help them.
When we need help, we remember the feeling, and we don’t want to saddle people with our problems.
There is a way to approach networking that will help alleviate the feeling of taking advantage of people.
When someone asks you for help, who are you more likely to help? Someone who has helped you in the past or someone who hasn’t?
If someone has helped you or given you something of value, aren’t you more likely to help that person?
Don’t you feel a certain sense of reciprocity toward them?
Don’t you want to return the favor to them?
The Principle of Reciprocity is discussed in Robert Cialdini’s book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Cialdini summarizes this principle by saying: “Simply put, people are obliged to give back to others the form of a behavior, gift, or service that they have received first.”
If you lead with giving, people will reciprocate and give back to you. You don’t even have to ask for help. People will ask you what they can do to help you.
Cialdini's book is great, and I definitely recommend it. If you want to hear more about him or about his work, check out his interview with Pete Mockaitis on the Awesome At Work podcast.
The section on Reciprocity starts at 12 minutes. At about the 14-minute mark, Cialdini tells us what to say when someone thanks you for giving them something to help plant the seeds for reciprocity. It's a great word-for-word script, but you've got to listen to the podcast to hear it.
How does Reciprocity help us get over that awkward feeling that comes from networking?
Be the one who gives first.
Have you ever felt awkward if you gave something to someone?
If you gave someone your knowledge, advice, recommendation, or something else, did you feel bad about it?
Cialdini explains, “The key to using the Principle of Reciprocity is to be the first to give and to ensure that what you give is personalized and unexpected.”
If you flip your mindset about networking and stop focusing on what you are taking from people and think about what you are giving to other people, you'll likely get past the awkwardness that is typically associated with networking.
The next question that comes up is: “What do I have to give?”
You have much more to give than you know.
You’re unique.
You have a unique set of knowledge and perspectives.
In my book, The Fast and Easy Guide to Networking for Introverts, I explain this in the fable about The Miser and His Gold.
The ideas in your head are your gold, and if you dig them up and look at them without ever sharing any of them, they do you as much good as if you never had them at all. As in the fable, you need to share what you know with the world for it to have any value.
The ideas you have are what you can give when you’re in a conversation with one of your professional connections.
When you sit down in a face-to-face or voice-to-voice conversation with a dormant tie or a new connection, you’re already listening to what is going on with them because you have asked them to tell you about themselves. Think about what you can give to them:
Advice - What solutions can you provide to your connection’s problems?
Recommendations - What books or podcasts can you recommend?
Introductions - Who do you know that your connection should meet?
You have more to give than you realize.
If all else fails, and you can't think of anything to give, there is something you can give that everyone will appreciate: your attention.
Networking doesn’t have to be awkward.
Shifting from a taking to a giving mindset will help you get over the awkwardness and through the Principle of Reciprocity, the people in your professional network will be asking how they can help you.
And that is how your network grows!
If you want to get better at professional networking, be sure to check out my FREE guide, 15 Minute Networking or my book, The Fast and Easy Guide to Networking for Introverts.
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