Humbling.
That's the word I use to describe my first few jiu jitsu classes.
Other words may include awkward, uncomfortable, counter intuitive.
I knew this would happen. I had heard this was something that would make me feel like a complete beginner.
That's the reason I signed up.
When you get to a point in your life, you no longer start anything from absolute zero. You’ve learned what you’re good at. You tend to stick to those things, and there are enough of them to keep your mind occupied. You avoid things you know nothing about because what's the point of starting something new at this age. It's too late, right?
That’s the fixed mindset.
As I've gotten older, I've challenged myself to have a growth mindset. I look for new things to learn and for new things to keep my mind and body active. But most of those new experiences build on skills I already have.
Jiu Jitsu does not.
If you aren't familiar with it, it’s the Brazilian martial art commonly associated with UFC and MMA. I have no desire to get into the octogon. I may not ever compete in the sport. I'm not doing this because I live in a time or place where I need to physically defend myself.
I'm doing it to experience the feeling of being a total beginner.
There’s something liberating about having zero expectations. It frees you to learn the basics. It allows you to screw up every time you get on the mat and still feel good about the experience.
In my job and in my life, mistakes usually make me feel terrible. I'm an acts of service love language person and not meeting expectations is crushing for me. I dwell on it. I brood and fume about it.
But in every jiu jitsu class, I make mistakes.
Every time.
Every new move feels weird. I grab the left hand when I am supposed to grab the right. I turn one way when I am supposed to go the other way.
And no one has ever made me feel bad for screwing up.
In my class, the lowest belt, which is also the newest member of the class, is paired with a higher belt, or someone more experienced. I’m usually the lowest belt. Sometimes I get paired with a blue belt, but I have been paired with purple and brown belts. I feel bad when they have to roll with me (that's what it's called when you are matched up with someone).
But they practice the moves on me, and I try my best to practice on them. They always have tips and advice for me.
Over and over I try to get the move right, and I usually mess something up. Even when I feel like I did the move correctly, I know there is no way it would be easy for me to do the move in a real match.
Despite my absolute novice ability, I enjoy the feeling of walking away having learned something new. My body of knowledge is so limited that each class feels like a huge leap.
It won't always be that way.
I know over time the feeling of zero expectations will diminish, and I’ll start to put pressure on myself to perform better. That's OK because I get the impression that no matter how long I train jiu jitsu, there will always be someone who can humble me.
And that's the reason to keep going.